One of my most notable “downers” of recent memory came back in 2006 when the Fox Network announced that they would be cancelling the critically-acclaimed television show Arrested Development after only three seasons on the air. For those of you who are unfamiliar with creator Mitchell Hurwitz’s sitcom, it was arguably the funniest in the history of television. The show depicted the dysfunctional antics of the Bluth family, a cast of characters whose comical presence has yet to be matched since their departure from network television. I actually remember hearing the news of the cancellation while at the grocery store, and abruptly uttered out the words “god damn it” like a crazy person. Needless to say, my animosity carried over throughout the ongoing years.
Around a year ago, news broke that Netflix would be bringing Arrested Development back for one last season. As such, my pent-up aggression over the shows untimely departure has finally found some resolution. In celebration of the Bluth family revival, I figured it would be fitting for some promotional / give away nights at some minor league baseball venues (Major League venues would be very un-Bluth like). If these teams were smart, they would take advantage of the return of America’s premier dysfunctional family.
Here’s how I could foresee these suggested promotional events playing out:
Buster Bluth Pirate Hook Giveaway Night:
A seal attack while swimming in the ocean leaves Buster without the use of his left hand. The Bardenton Maruders of the Class A Florida State League take advantage of Buster’s misfortune by holding a Pirate Hook Giveaway night. Buster is invited to partake in the festivities, but backs out at the last minute when he finds out the Maruders are scheduled to play the Brevard County Manatees.
Tobias Funke Blue Man Group Night:
What better place to honor Tobias’ aspiration to be a member of the Blue Man Group, than a minor league baseball game in Las Vegas. Fans will be given blue paint at the gate to help transform the atmosphere at the stadium. Cut off blue jean shorts are optional, as is acting socially awkward during the full length of the game.
George Bluth, Sr. Cornballer Giveaway Night:
A Bluth family tradition (well sort of), George Senior’s Cornballer was deemed a faulty product due to safety concerns with hot oil constantly spilling out on customers. The Cedar Rapids’ promotional team decides to roll the dice and give the first 1,000 fans the new and improved Cornballer. For whatever reason, only 250 fans take one.
G.O.B. (George Oscar Bluth, Jr.) Magic Night:
G.O.B. always seems to have an ace up his sleeve (or spare change) when it comes to the field of magic. The founder of the Allegiance of Magicians has always had a knack for pulling off some high profile illusions (disappearing yacht, magic coffin, free chicken). The Reno Aces of the Pacific Coast league have agreed to let G.O.B. perform during the seventh inning stretch of an upcoming game. Although the illusion itself is hush-hush, I hear he will be riding his Segway onto the field and attempting to have it disappear.
George Michael Bluth Lightsaber Giveaway Night:
The Mud Hens are no strangers to honoring the iconic Star Wars series. They recently busted out Chewbacca uniforms during their May 4th game (Aptly named, May the Fourth be with you day.) Keeping on the Star Wars theme, lightsabers are handed out to the fans at the gate out of respect of George Michael’s remarkable Jedi skills. If you don’t believe me, see for yourself:
Lucille Bluth All You Can Drink Night:
No one likes a sloppy drunk, especially at a sporting event. Lucille Bluth epitomizes the lifestyle of a functioning alcoholic. She is rarely seen without a drink in her hand (and consequently, an opinion coming from her mouth). As such, the Hillsboro Hops of the Northwest League decide to hold an All You Can Drink Night in her honor. Although most fans are passed out by the 7th inning, remarkably Lucille is inquiring about a nightcap following the game.
Lindsay Bluth Funke Ladies Night:
Even though she’s married to Tobias, Lindsay is persistent with her flirting ways on the show. Her flirtatious ways have been unsuccessful on multiple occasions, namely with Thomas Jane, Steve Holt, and Ice the Bounty Hunter. That Kane County Cougars of the Midwest League put together “Ladies Night” at the ballpark in her honor. Oddly enough, the promotion is never re-scheduled following a series of rain outs.
Maeby Funke Frozen Banana Night:
Although Maeby didn’t officially hold the title of “Mr. Manager” during her employment at the Bluth’s Original Frozen Banana Stand, she did help it make money (or did she take money, I forget). Started in 1953 by George Sr., the banana stand will be onsite at Kannapolis, North Carolina for the Intimidators crowd on hand. The fans are reminded at the gates that the rumors of $250,000 hiding in the walls of the banana stand are in fact false.
Michael Bluth Family Intervention Night:
Sanity comes at a cost, especially when the rest of your family displays consistent acts of insanity. Viewed by most as the “normal” Bluth, Michael is usually given the dubious task of cleaning up the messes of those closest to him. Whether it’s the chaos created by the Bluth Company itself, or just the sheer lunacy of the family, Michael usually makes the important decisions for the family by default. Fittingly, the Modesto Nuts of the California League hold a Family Intervention Night to help Michael confront his family. The rest of the family doesn’t get the memo (expect for George Michael of course), and are no-shows for the promotion.
The “Final Countdown” of Arrested Development premieres on Netflix beginning May 26th. Enjoy the ride; lord knows I will!
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